Mama.

Mama you taught me to do the right things
So now you have to let your baby fly
You’ve given me everything that I will need
To make it through this crazy thing called life
And I know you watched me grow up and only want whats best for me
And I think I found the answer to your prayers

And he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he’s never gonna leave
So don’t you worry about me
Don’t you worry about me

Mama theres no way you’ll ever lose me
And giving me away is not goodbye
As you watch me walk down to my future, I hope tears of joy are in your eyes

Cuz he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he’s never gonna leave
So don’t you worry about me
Don’t you worry about me

And when I watch my baby grow I’ll only want whats best for her
And I hope she’ll find the answer to my prayers
And that she’ll say

He is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he’s never gonna leave
So don’t you worry about me
Don’t you worry about me
Mama don’t you worry about me

Don’t you worry about me

 

Some days are spent working hard. Working at a job or doing chores or working towards something. Going to school, the gym, running errands. It’s all work. Those days are many, and while they add to the strain of life, they are important. It’s important to get things done. There are other days, too, however. Those days where you have time to push ‘snooze’ or to sleep in entirely. Days where you have no work and no school, and you can push all of the chores off on another day. Days spent staring out the window, gazing at the stars, baking something delicious, calling an old friend, strolling through the mall, splurging on that thing you’ve wanted for months… Those days where you have time to dream.

Today was a dreaming day. It is exactly one week from my 20th birthday and I dedicated today to dreaming. First, in the literal sense, as I slept until about 945am. Then I checked up on everybody’s favourite social networking website for a little while, had some breakfast and watched some TLC. I called my Mom, we chatted for a while, then I cut up 2 turnips, a zillion carrots, and 4lbs of beef (& two potatoes…but that’s another story) to make homemade stew. It’s been in the slowcooker all day, and smells yummy.

Then I looked at popular honeymoon destinations. Vegas, Hollywood, Paris…Punta Cana, Florida, Hawaii. There were tonnes to choose from but the most beautiful was Bora Bora. Tahiti. So guess what? I spent over an hour looking at pictures. They have these little huts, that are right on top of the water! You swim to your room! You swim to the bar! You swim to the all-inclusive restaurants and spa features, infinity pool, and beaches! It is gorgeous! Seriously, Google it! Then I watched Say Yes to the Dress. Ever seen that show? It is the all time best day-dream inspiring show!

In my head, I have the perfect wedding planned out. I can see all of my family, smiling while I walk down the aisle. I can imagine the look in Kevin’s eyes when I take his hand at the front of the church. I can hear my sweet Uncle Hubert announcing “Please welcome, this evening, Mister and Missus Kevin Bouchard!” as we walk into our reception, excited to dance the night away with family. I can see the looks on some poor poor souls who we’ve (pretty much) already picked to be screeched in by ‘Tommy CodGill’ AKA my wonderful Uncle Bob. I can see my newest little cousin stumbling towards me in her flowergirl dress, barely old enough to walk down the aisle, but so beautiful. My eyes well up as I dance to Butterfly Kisses with my Daddy, and as Kevin takes his mother’s hand. I can imagine dancing with Hayley, Tammy, Sasha and Kelsey, and looking across the dancefloor to meet Kevin’s eyes, knowing that we’re finally, after six years, husband and wife.

And then there is my Mama. The woman who wanted a daughter. Who gave birth in the most scary way, worried for her own and her unborn baby’s safety. The woman who loved me, and tried to give me a normal life even when she was alone. The woman who gave up any dreams she might’ve had, to stay at home and take care of me, to be there for me when I came home for lunch, or came home sick, or needed help with homework. The woman who waited to go to work until she was sure I was ready and independent, and who was still there for me then. The woman who cried on my first day of school, cries when she reads the cards I give her, cried at my graduation, and cries when I am not home for Christmas (and when I am home for Christmas!). The woman who loves my fiancé like he is her only son, and does anything for him as she would for me. Who is there for me with advice and love and understanding as I slowly learn the ropes of a life she’s led for 20 years. The woman who would be here wiping my tears as I write this, if she knew I was crying.

She is all of these things, and still in that beautiful wedding I have pictured, she is not on the invitation. I am not wearing her dress. She is not walking down the aisle with my Daddy and I. She is not going to be sitting at the head table with the wedding party and she doesn’t get a ‘first dance’ because I am not a boy. Does that mean she has no place, no part in my wedding that is just for her? Does that mean I love her any less? No.

Beacuse at my wedding, Kevin is going to walk her down the aisle, to take a seat in the front pew next to her sister. She is going to be the first person I look at after “I now pronounce you husband and wife” and her and Dad will be the first to follow the wedding party back down the aisle. She is going to ride in the limo with me to the Halifax Public Gardens where, along with all of the wedding shots, we will have a ‘mother-daughter’ photo op, just the two of us. She will probably cry when I dance with Daddy, but I’ll cry too when it’s her turn. To see my Mom and Dad dance to “Together” by JGregorash, still in love after what will be 24 years. She will be sitting across from me at the reception, so I can look at her and make eye contact and talk to her, rather than strain to see her at the end of a kilometer-long table. And at the end of a long day, when everyone is piling into cabs and heading home to bed, it will be my Mom who is there until the end. Smiling as everyone leaves and crying when she looks at me in my gown, leaving to spend my first night with my husband–the only person who knows where we’ll be.

It is my biggest hope, my wildest dream, that this is enough. That she’ll realize that the invitation and the aisle and the dress are not the most important things on my wedding day. I hope that when I give her a book holding all of the pictures of us together, from the church and the Gardens and the reception, that she’ll flip through them and understand that it is not doing things or being places that was ever the most important thing. That it is just her being there for me and me being there for her. I hope she knows that while I walk away from her and Dad, I’m walking towards a man who is wonderful, and kind, and who supports and loves me, who is picking up where she didn’t ever want to leave off.

Some dreaming-days I think about Nursing or Kevin or babies. Today it was my wedding, and my Mama. All I can do, Mama, is wish and hope and dream. I love you. xo

B

4 thoughts on “Mama.

  1. very beautiful dream,that can become a reality,and will…there are certain protocols that a wedding has,however when i review with you and kevin the plans,it is based on exactly what YOU want,not some book.i will do everything in my power, to make your dream wedding the most beautiful one ,as you are inside and out.so keep your vision alive and it may not seem like it now,buuutttt, your MOM will be a hugh part of your special day,as well as your dad.everything will be beautiful…and it will all come together as you dreamt it to be….just wait, YOU`LL see. love you and i will be there for YOU and ALTHOUGH i met KEVIN in halifax, i can`t wait to meet KEVIN and his FAMILY in YOUR real live DREAM….LOVE YOU,UNCLE HUBERT ♥♥

    1. Oh Uncle Hubert I love you so much!!! <3 You mean the world and more to me! For a girl with no grandparents, I've come to learn who the special adults in my life are/have been, and you are one of the best! You are so good to everyone in our family, and from so far away! I can't wait to have YOU as a special part of my wedding, thank you thank you thank you! Love you, xoxoxoxoxo

  2. Barb, You have once again moved me to tears. I do hope you don’t mind me reading your stories and dreams but, I so love how you write! This was the most touching entry I have read. Each story draws a tear to my eye so you can imagine what I was like reading this one. I miss my Mom so very much and wish you many, many more years to share with your Mom ( a very lovely lady). You have so much more to share, I do hope you are still blogging as I don’t want to miss the babies, kindergarten, new possibilities you will share with your own wonderful children.
    All dreams are possibilities.
    Thank you Barb!
    ~debs~
    XO
    P.S. You should send this one to a bridal magazine for publish!!!

    1. Thank you Debbie!! You are soooo sweet! And of course I don’t mind you reading, that’s why I write! Sorry for making you cry :( My Mom called me in tears after she read it.. I just like to have a place to say what I want to say! And I plan to keep up with it as long as possible, as long as people still read! It makes my heart happy to know that the posts I write are touching other hearts, like yours! <3 xoxo

      And the magazine idea is a good one…how to go about that I wonder? Hmm..

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