Out with the old, in the the new…

Bud light.

Indian food at the Taj Mahal in Halifax.

The works pizza with peppers & mushrooms.

Coors light, fuzzy naval, melon ball, vodka & lime, blonde mafia, Dave Matthews, tequila.

Chicken & spinach lasagna.

These weird rice ball things that Jill ordered, spinach & mushroom pizza, focaccio with guac, crème brulée..

Gelato.

In the last 24hrs, I’ve probably tried more new things than I have in about 5 years. And I love it! Even though I wasn’t a fan of some of the things that I tried, I still enjoy the experience and I guess I’ve learned if you don’t try it, you’ll never know! Normally, if I try something and I don’t like it, I’d never really try it again. Luckily I have a pretty great group of friends in my nursing class, and we like to do the old buy-one-of-everything-and-try-it-all kind of meals! It’s great. I tried to give beer a chance, and I’m just not a fan. Indian food is delicious but much too spicy for me! I haven’t really tasted anything that’s completely horrible except for the tequila! ;)

To be continued….

 

Quiet, heart, you will not break today.

Today, the Taliban attacked Kabul.

And I learned just how loudly my heart can pound in my chest.

I told my heart to quiet down for 4 & 1/2 hours.

But then, I heard his voice.

And I thought to myself,

“Quiet, heart, you will not break today.”

From whom I draw my strength…Dad

I’ve known my Dad my whole life.

It’s true! And while I don’t remember him from when I was a baby or toddler, I think I am able to judge his character pretty well. I know that he studies everything and formulates an opinion only after thinking on it a while. I know that he is strict when he needs to be, and when it’s important. I know that he would do anything for me without even a blink of an eye. (Okay, maybe he’d make me work for it…)I know he can get through anything he’s faced with. I know all of this because I have spent years of my life living in wonder of how exactly he can be so tough.

I’d like to share with you, a little about my Popsicle…

When I was little, on my way home from gymnastics, I fell off of my bike. I landed chin first, splitting it open, then fell on my side hitting my head. All I really remember is wondering why my Dad’s bike was still rolling down the street with no one on it anymore… He had jumped off of his bike so quickly that it never even slowed down. He used his shirt to put pressure on my chin and carried me to the car to go to the hospital. He made me laugh afterwards (ouch!) by telling me that everyone in the whole hospital heard me scream when they numbed my chin for stitches.

He used to drag me along to some place in Petawawa with lots of computers and parts and stuff. It was super boring (although I’d later learn to appreciate my Dad’s super-sweet computer skills…). You know what would make it less boring? All the sugar cubes that my Dad would let me have. I still think about him when I see sugar cubes. Yummm…

Then there’s the drive thru on the day of my Grampy’s funeral. He had Mike, Hayley and I in the car and wanted to hit up the drive thru. The woman in front of us hauled out a list on a piece of paper so long you’d think she was Santa. If you ever want to go for a roller coaster ride without paying amusement park prices, just ask my Dad! I don’t think I have ever clocked that much mileage going backwards since…

In Ontario, my Dad was at work driving a vehicle and a metal hatch fell down and smoked him in the head. He ended up needing stitches on the back of his head and his cheek. I distinctly remember asking him how he felt and him saying, “Like there’s a hole in my head”.

My Dad used to make me mow the lawn. I hated every second of those gasoline-smelling, grass stain-causing, gross & sweaty afternoons. What was worse? He would judge the quality of my work. “Missed a clump there” or “Did you even mow this part?”. I thought I’d never ever have grass at all when I got my own place. I willed the grass to stop growing (which doesn’t work..in case you wanted to try). Then one day, I mowed the lawn, Dad came out to inspect it, and he said “good job”. He went back in the house to whatever he was doing.. I had never been more proud up to that point.

Dad + music = always a good time. His guitar playing is my favourite – “Tell Laura I Love Her” is his best hit. Even just his strumming really.. “They’re coming to take me away ha ha” gets me every time. The songs he sings that I don’t actually think are real songs until he pulls them up from some buried album from like 1837. Dancing in the kitchen with the radio on (like father like daughter!). Singing karaoke. Love it all!

Re-shingling the roof, Dad throws some shingles off of the roof the summer we moved to NB. One of the nails catches my leg and cuts er right open. I tell him that he got me with a nail. His response? – “Did it hurt?”

Me: “Ouch! I just [insert clumsy or blonde action here]“
Dad: “What’d ya do that for?”

The day my Dad told me how to break a wishbone so that you lose.

All the nicknames he comes up with! My parents used to be “Thumper and Bambi” for a while. We currently are a bear-family (Papa-bear, Mama-bear…). Dad calls Kevin “Boyo” and calls my cat Broccoli. I’ve gone from Boogers to Bo with pit stops at Pugsley…

His one-liners!
“You can trust a thief – you know he’s going to steal. Can’t trust a liar – no telling what they’ll do!”
“Always remember and never forget, wherever you go, there you are.”
“I bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!”
“Close your mouth, I can see your tonsils and your supper!”
“You pushed when you should’ve pulled”
“Feeling strong? Pick that up” after he spits…
“Over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder” & “double-barrel slingshot”
I could go on…

He bought me my first car and how he had a blast confusing me before explaining that yes – the new car is the same make&model as the old one – only it was mine…

When he came to boost my car a couple weeks ago and I cried because I felt so bad. He hugged me, told me it was okay and ‘that’s what dads are for’, and then offered me his truck. :)

Sometimes, he breaks out in these super sweet moments too. I read his status on Facebook at the beginning of this year – “Wishing my shoulder could be in Hfx so my wife could lean on it…” Buying flowers for Mom. Anything nice that he does for Mom really, gets me every time.

The way he jokes around with Kevin but loves him like the son he never had.

Any time he says “That’s what Dads are for!”.

There are things that I’ve experienced in life that show me the good in the world, the sad in the world, and the absolutely unfair in the world. My Dad shows by example how to deal with it all. I can ask him anything, tell him anything, and know that he’ll be there for me through anything. I know that when I ask him something I’m going to get a straight answer no matter what.

So tonight I asked him, “What does it feel like Dad?”. He said “What does what feel like?”. I replied “To have cancer. How do you feel knowing you have cancer?”.

“Same as I did before.”

And that’s why I love my father.

And that’s how I know it’s all going to be alright.

Expectation

It’s been 63 hours since I’ve seen Kevin.

I’ve already spoke to him twice on the phone and he sent me a few messages online the first day.

I am being spoiled, so far.

I am still heartbroken.

The worst part? The expectations. My family is filled with strong women. Women who I’ve seen being tough in the toughest situations. My own Mama raised me through 4 of my Dad’s tours overseas.

What if I’m not that strong?

I cry all the time. I look around my house and I just can not believe that Kevin isn’t there. I go out with my friends, and I just want him to be there when I get home. I’m writing this now and feeling sick to my stomach. I can’t breathe.

The worst part? I have it easy! I’m not the woman at D-57 with three kids, up at 6am to say goodbye to their Daddy. I’m not super-pregnant like at least 4 of the women there Wednesday morning. I don’t have a newborn. I don’t think I should feel like I do because there are so many other people who have it way worse.

I have enough things to keep me busy but I haven’t been doing them. I have all the coping mechanisms in place but I just feel tired and sick. I bet if you listened with a stethoscope – you wouldn’t hear my heart beating. I watched my heart walk away and get on a bus. Now it’s in Afghanistan.

Everyone has been so supportive and always has great advice. “You’ll feel normal again in a couple weeks” or “just get into a routine”. My Mom says “I know exactly how you feel. I’m here for you!”. I love you all and appreciate your kind words so much, really.

I expected to have hard days. I expected to cry. I didn’t expect this.

I will go to school, for Kevin. I will go to work, for Kevin. I will be strong, for Kevin. Everything – for him. Because I expect him to come home – my only expectation for him is to stay safe and come right back home. And he damn well won’t  find me in a crumpled heap on the floor.

The only expectation that matters…

</3

Things I want my children to know…

Kevin and I have had our baby names picked out for quite some time now. Both of us have two middle names each and were named after other people. We agreed that we’d stick with one middle name for each of our children and not name them after anyone. Recently with the passing of the most amazing aunt to ever walk the earth, my aunt Ellen, we brought up in discussion the possibility of honoring her in some way. We talked about naming a possible second daughter after her but were conflicted by the ‘rules’ we agreed on so long ago. After a while we finally made a decision.

When Kevin and I have a daughter, her name will be Emily Elle Bouchard. My biggest hope is that she will honor her name and know that “Elle” is her version of “Ellen”. In French, elle means her, but it’s also one n short of Ellen… We hope she is proud.

All of this talk about baby names and the future in general led me to thinking about things I want my children to know. I decided to make a list. From now until I grow old, these are the things I want my children to know. (Disclaimer: I am not pregnant. Wedding first, then maybe I’ll put this list up on the wall of an empty bedroom <3)

“Dear Emily Elle and Jacob Alexandre,

I want you to know that your Papa and I loved you long before your heart began beating.

I want you to know that we had your names picked out years before we made you. We picked them just for you and trusted that God would give us the babies that we wanted so badly.

I want you to know that your Papa and I will always do whatever it takes to keep you healthy and happy.

I want you to know that however you choose to enter the world, we will welcome you with love.

I want you to know that even though we might be working, that doesn’t mean we’re not thinking of you or loving you.

I want you to know French and English. You might get frustrated sometimes but it will be okay – on vous aimes beaucoup.

I want you to know that Papa and I will always shower you with love, hugs, and kisses, and that you never have to wonder if we love you.

I want you to know we will be proud of every milestone you reach, and proud to be your parents.

I want you to know that I will cry like a baby on your first day of school. You don’t have to worry though, because you’ll love it.

I want you to know that I’ll help you with your homework. If I have to finish learning French with you, that’s okay. We’ll figure it out together.

I want you to be kind to each other. No one in the world understands you like a sibling. Love each other and be there for each other.

I want to teach you to be kind to other children. You and the other children will be better for it.

I want you to know that bugs freak me out, and if you come home with lice your Papa (or Lisa) will have to take care of that.

I want you to know the feeling of standing in front of the ocean, staring out over the water and feeling like a little tiny drop.

I want you to know the feeling of accomplishing your goal or dream and feeling on top of the world.

I want you both to learn to swim, fast, and to run, skip, jump, and dance with all your heart.

I want you to drive into a tree or something, and not get hurt, but realize the value of care and attention.

I want you to drive past a police car doing the speed limit, and I want you to see those flashing lights behind you too. You’ll learn a lot from both experiences.

I want you both to try hard at everything you do – school, hobbies, sports – and then decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. Whatever it is, Papa and I will help you reach your dream.

Emily – I want you to know that you are beautiful, and boys will think so too. I can’t wait for you to find love.

Jacob – You will be so much like your Papa – I know it. Treat a girl like your Papa treats me and you will know a great love.

These are some things I want you both to know. You are part of a family that is so blessed to have you and I hope you know that I love you.

Maman”

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.